To My Future Daughter/Son

A week or so after the passing of Linkin Park's lead singer Chester Bennington, I sat on my bed and wrote in my journal as I tried to process my feelings about this unexpected tragedy. The below recording is what I wrote. While I haven't shared something this personal on the internet in years and was very hesitant to do so, I felt compelled to share this entry in hopes that maybe someone out there can relate to any of the feelings I've been going through since Chester's passing. Take a listen to the entry or read it below and above all else, please reach out to someone if you are depressed and/or thinking about suicide. You are not alone in the dark.

To my future daughter/son,

I’ve been thinking a lot about suicide. In a world where thoughts of suicide are more often viewed as a symptom, I get that such a statement worries people. And as my future child, I imagine such an utterance is a bit jarring since it would jeopardize your whole existence. Relax. These thoughts do not breed action.

Several days ago, Chester Bennington from Linkin Park tied a noose and hanged himself. He took his own life and broke the hearts of a collective of fans, family and friends. The moment I heard the news I could not comprehend the sadness inside of me because it did not feel real. It took a few days existing in the aftermath until I woke up, listened to “Waiting For the End” and sobbed along to the words. It took some time for me to fully realize why I needed to cry.

For so many people, Chester’s passing was truly tragic because it happened on Chris Cornell’s birthday – Chester’s close friend who also took his own life by hanging this year. I also was struck by how heart-wrenching the circumstances were. For me, the circumstances were even more personal still because years ago, hanging myself was my plan. And without Chester, Linkin Park and the music they led me to, I probably would have.

It is a devastating feeling – watching a savior fall. I did not know Chester. I never got to see him live or meet him. Yet when I was a teenager staring at my high school’s field goal post and wishing I had a rope, I would hear Chester’s voice in “Waiting For the End,” come through my iPod headphones that I snuck out to gym class and I didn’t feel alone. It never ceases to amaze me how that can make all the difference. He held out a hand to me when I needed it most and helped me push through my pain. And even though I didn’t know Chester or the demons he faced, it still breaks my heart that I couldn’t do anything to help him and repay him for everything he helped me with. All I can do about it is cry and wish I was a bigger fan, supported his music more, or got a chance to see him once. All I can do is cry.

So, I’ve been thinking about suicide a lot. And as I have sat with the regret of not being able to help in any way, I thought about you – beautiful child who has yet to come into my life. I want you to know that I will always help you through any pain you have. I know how it feels to be hopeless and alone, and I will do everything I can to keep you from that level of hurt. I may not succeed. This life does not ever give anyone an easy road, but wherever it takes you, I will walk through it by your side. And I want you to know that I will do all of this because in my darkest days, the thought of you has done all of this for me. You held out your unborn hand and pushed me through even more pain and continue to do so each day. With you – to quote Chester Bennington – “I know what it takes to move on.”

With Love,

Adrienne